ON THE ENTIRE EARTH
OH MY FUCKING GOD
Finally! Someone finally made this! Now all confusion is gone and you can all stop complaining about the Mew/Arceus debate. To see it better download it as an image.
if i dont get an a+ on this project
oh yeah and then theres this
This is the dude who bought this lion as a cub in the 60’s, and then when it got too big, he let it into the wild. 10 years later, it was like the alpha male in a nature reserve in Africa and was really violent. The guy went to see it, and it walked up to him and gave him a hug.
My favorite part of this picture is the description. Not because I find it touching (full disclosure, I kind of do), but because it’s hilariously lazy. The information we’re given is “This is the dude who bought this lion”. Move over “Call me Ishmael”, you’ve been usurped as the most engaging opening line in the history of the English language. Does the dude work for a wildlife NGO? Is the dude an eccentric billionaire who does mad crazy shit like this on the reg? Was he rearing the cub only until it reached adulthood because its father was trampled by wildebeest?
In any case, he lets it into a reserve in Africa. Here again, the specificity is a little wanting, for one reason. Africa is fucking huge. The USA has crocodiles but that doesn’t mean you can let one out in North Dakota, and you can’t let a lion out just fucking anywhere in Africa. Where is this reserve? Did he let it out in the Sahara Desert, or Tanzania? Apartheid South Africa or Kenya? We can reasonably assume probably somewhere in the blue spots, but c’mon man. Do a little homework before you go note-whoring with tear-jerker anthropomorphizing pictures.
Anyway, the story we get here on Tumblr is the following:
- Dude spends mad cash on a fucking lion cub bruh
- That thing grew up awwww shiiiiit our yard’s not big enough.
- Give the lion to Africa because lions are from Africa
- It’s been a decade let’s go back for some reason, I dunno
- This lion is such a fucking boss, he’s smacking down other bro lions and getting all the bitches yo
- Bro hug
So I did a little light digging (full disclosure, one Google search), and let me tell you, the real story is so much better.
Basically, a zoo in London closes down and a goddamn Harrod’s Department Store comes into possession of the lion, for reasons I couldn’t discern. They were pretty keen on selling it after it broke out of its cage one night and shredded a bunch of dresses and shit.
Immediately, this lion is awesome.
So a couple of enterprising folk purchased the lion, and made it a little home in the basement of their furniture store. They got a vicar to agree to let them exercise it in his church’s graveyard. So not only is this lion totally punk rock when he’s smashing the symbols of capitalist oligarch materialism, he’s also goth as shit.
But the lion did indeed get too big, and these folks got in touch with a conservationist who offered to reintegrate the lion for them at Kora National Wildlife Reserve in Kenya. This conservationist got the lion acclimated with the Alpha Male, and a female cub, in order to “form the nucleus of a new pride”. The Alpha kills someone and the conservationist puts him down, and the female cub is presumably eaten by goddamn crocodiles. Our goth-punk lion boss is the sole survivor, and eventually becomes the head of a new pride. It makes you wonder if some Game of Thrones shit was going on here, like he orchestrated these events through subterfuge and cunning in order to forge his own order. Wouldn’t surprise me, since it’s been established that he’s a boss. Think about it, y’all. We’ve got ourselves a Machiavellian Lannister goth-punk boss hog straight beast motherfucker. And he’s running shit within a year, not a decade. He didn’t even have time to wait that long.
So, he’s purchased in 1969, given to the reserve in 1970, and his former owners come to visit in 1971, CUE BRO HUG. In 1972 nine months later, his former owners visit again, and chill with him for a day. But get this: no one ever sees the lion again after this. He just drops the mic, disappears, and fades into legend. Like a boss.
So not only is this lion a spooky goth, punk as fuck, a Machiavellian power player, and a boss hog bro squad beast…he’s also Keyser Soze.
The lion is Keyser Soze y’all.
WHY IS THIS THE POST THAT MAKES ME LOSE MY SHIT WHEN IT COMES TO THIS FANDOM???
Holy shit, they are back.
this is literally my favorite homestuck post ever
holy fuck. these are so fucking stunning!
That first photo, though. It’s giving me LIFE right now.
imagine being an old-timey gangster but instead of having people murdered you had them loved. that’s pretty much my dream job now that i think about it. all sittin in bars in a pinstriped suit, being all “hey tony. see that guy over there? go take care of him, if you know what i mean.” and then tony goes and gives him a hug
this was the best week in C&H history